The Hypochondriac

This is dedicated as a sarcastic intervention for my overly-cautious dad.
As the sun shined into the dark dreary room, a groan emitted from the creaky bed. A pale, skinny man rolled over and then totteringly got up. Near the bed stood an end table with a stack of health magazines and a glass of dark looking liquid.He shakily walked over and thoughtfully sipped the dark concoction.He felt dizzy and weak.

After eating some hot sauce last week, his chest had hurt, a sure sign of oncoming heart attacks. Not only that, he had heard yesterday on the radio that sleepiness and dull aches are sure signs of cancer, and he was sleepy and his head did ache.

He moodily got ready and then unlocked his door and stepped into his small dimly lit kitchen.

He went straight to the vitamin cabinet and pulled down one bottle after another. Soon he was ready for “breakfast”. After he carried his mountain of pills in a bowl to the table, he then opened the refrigerator to find something to wash them down with. He remembered someone had written an article in the paper that orange juice helps fight cancer, so he poured himself a large glass.

As he swallowed the vitamins, he planned his shopping list for that day.

He was almost out of cancer-preventive sunscreen, organic peas and beans, anti-bacterial soap, and all-natural toothpaste. As he reached for pen and paper, pain shot through his stomach. He doubled over now more than sure that he had stomach cancer. He guzzled more orange juice and swallowed more vitamins, only to find that now his stomach ached even worse.

He had made sure to eat only pulse, drink purified water, and eat plenty of vitamins.

What could be wrong? Cancer must be the answer! Frantically, he grasped the only book on the table, “Diagnosing Your Own Illnesses”. His mind boggled at all the diseases listed under “stomach problems”. Ulcers, cancer, gastritis, indigestion, and illeum.

As he began to read the list, his stomach made all kind of weird rumbles and ached horribly.

Now his head began to throb as well. He felt light headed and weak.

The more he read about illnesses, the more sick he felt. His back hurt, and pain was shooting through his chest.

He almost became hysterical.

He must be dying.

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